When we become parents the world changes (For most of us anyway) I never knew I would take mother hood on so well. I always amaze myself. Truth be told, I always try to amaze myself. I feel like that keeps me on my toes to be the best mama I can be.
When we decided to have Devin Javie and me had been together for 5 years already. I was deathly afraid to be a mom. All my fears came from my upbringing. Without going into to much detail (That’s a novel in itself) I definitely wanted to be a completely different parent than mine. But wow! Was I in for a rude awakening. Now please don’t mistake what you just read as a bad thing. It definitely wasn’t but Damn! It was and will forever be the scariest thing to be parent. I didn’t know all the fears that came with it. I didn’t know all the learning experiences that would come with it and I fir sure didn’t know how many times a would fail.
Now to the meat of this story. A parent never sees their child grow up. I mean you watch them with your eyeballs but serio, you never think they get older. One of the most amazing and heartbreaking things for me as a parent has been the conversations I have had with my three.
I can remember the very first time I had a serious talk and it was to Devin and Vanna. Devin was 10 and Vanna was 6. It was when the Sandy Hook shooting had happened. I was devastated as I know millions were. I could barely see I was driving but I went to pull my babies out of school. When they got into the car I reached over to them and cried so much. I cried and hugged and kissed them. I closed my eyes and took in the smell of their hair and skin. Because god forbid this moment would be the last time I held them I wanted to remember those things. We drove home and they were so scared they had no idea what had happened. When we got home I explained what had happened to all those innocent lives and we cried together. Javie held all his three in his lap as I told them to run for cover and hide if anything ever happened like that at their school.
As the years have passed we have had several more conversations and a lot more with Devin as he is the oldest. I’m still learning that he is 16 and not a baby anymore. He will forever be my baby but he is a young man.
Just this morning I brought up the topic of the man and toddler that were found in Texas. I wanted their input on what they thought. Charlie who is 8 years old was in disbelief of the loss of life. Her mind couldn’t get around that. That’s what her focus was on. Vanna who is 13 wanted to know if risking his life and his child’s was worth seeking asylum? It’s a valid question and our discussion last about 30 minutes on that. Devin had grown silent. He wouldn’t say a word. I asked him what he thought and he said he didn’t want to be part of the conversation. I asked him why and he stuck to his guns and said he just didn’t want to talk about it.
I went on to tell them how we had struggled so much when Devin was small, being homeless for a brief second but never the less we were homeless, how we couldn’t afford to buy him a cake for his first birthday, how for fourth of July when he was 2 we couldn’t buy fireworks. But our neighbor was kind enough to bring him a box of sparklers. I explained how we did not intend to struggle when we decided to have a baby, but that we had. We never gave up and we always pushed for more. We never thought we wouldn’t make it. We knew we would it was just a matter of how and when. Mijo stayed silent. His eyes were full of tears. But he didn’t say a word.
When I got to the shop I text him and said, “Sorry if I offended you with my conversation earlier baby. That was not my intention. What is happening is real and its peoples reality. It breaks my heart just like it breaks yours. I respect you not wanting to talk about it. I really do.” He answered, “I’m praying for them.”
His heart was so broken for this family. I don’t know exactly how I feel about it. But I know my heart aches. Because I know how it feels to want more for your family, I know how it is to love enough to sacrifice, that thing is that at the end of the day we don’t know exactly how much we sacrifice.